that was what i was meant to call my blog about the weekend - till i felt dead wrong earlier.... :)
i'm a terrible cliche. i went record shopping and am listening to can and this all makes me feel so much more secure. i think i really love can. not the overblown annoying endless flouncy smack stuff. the stuff that has a ring of clever pop nastyness about it.
a primary school friend sent this to me today after a short chat that she instigated asking about a tv show i was on with my sister as a kid. she has a beautiful baby boy. i last saw her when we were 9 or 10 and she has a baby!! i would love to see her again. it would be hilarious....
"Thanks yeh my little boy, Mahli (pronounced Marley) will be one next week weds!!! Cant believe it...loving being a mummy and just being a kiddy all over again!! It would be so interesting to see you all one day...I remember being really upset that I couldn't quite get pretend land...I used to watch you, Myra, Dennis and Sarah and imagen what it was like...I remember coming to your house in Crystal Palace???? And you guys were all in pretend land and I just couldn't get there....went home VERY dissapointed!!!lol
What you up2? x x"
isn't that amusing? that's sorta cheered me up too. u see, i am terribly happy that things are just... what they are. u look over your life and it's just there, in front of u.
i've gone through the wars MASSIVELY tho. psychedelics-wise. adventures-wise but specifically psychedelics. who the hell gets spiked/takes hard core psychedelics by mistake at least 3 times? that's just not something that happens is it? No wonder lots of people think I must be mistaken.
i guess in a way it sorta took the last situation, that was so different from the others and SO traumatic. Not that the others weren't but not even close - on levels or on trauma. They were pretty hardcore and extremely tricky (its not nice to feel like your brain's been raped, obviously!) but not, u know, massive letters falling on your head, dna walls really seriously oh my god!.
..eh yes. where was i going with that? the first time was massively traumatic actually. that's what i've realised. not in a "i'm gonna die" way, but still, in a lack of control, not choosing something so life changing and fundamental, feeling abused kind of way. and also just... well u know - it is sorta shocking, the 1st time u really see it. U know what i mean? was for me anyway. i didn't realise that parts of that were gonna be so deeply... horrific. i'm sure that was bigger because of the circumstances - but there also just IS something quite horrific about psychedelia. it's the horror and the beauty that makes it so incredible. i guess.
so it was traumatic - to the extent that I think it actually took me having to really go into myself to find the tools to deal with how i felt from the last time (last year) for me to remember just how intrinsic to me it all was. not that i didnt get a lot out of mushrooms and k in the meantime(!) i did, an awful lot - but i always felt that was sorta in spite of something to do with me, u know? in a part of me anyway.
i'm rambling like a bitch now... bloody can! :) xx
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4 comments:
yo chickity,
You know what, you don't half think too much sometimes my dear :P
Listened to some tune a few days back... one of those apocalyptic the goverment and the cia and the nqv and whevever else is out to get you rave style tune one line's been amusingly stuck in my head... DO NOT THINK. IT MAY LEAD TO DEPRESSION.
Good Luck for Friday, be thinking of ya
loadsa love
Anyaaaaaaaa
thanks for that Anya... been leaving the blog a bit lately hence the late reply...
gotta think tho girly! i'll be what i am whatever i do about it, u know. i dunno - i believe we make ourselves... but at the same time i've really realised lately that no matter what i do i will always be a journey obsessed, experience craving, rock'n'roll fiend, word loving intellectual. nothing's ever gonna change that - it doesn't matter how much i try n'block parts of it out. i could go out with a million Dermot-a-likes! Discussion rules! U know it makes sense! End Of. ;) xx
yeah but being and experiencing without always feeling the need to hyper analyse rules tooo.....:P
xxxxx
no doubt! this isn't actually life tho sweety... just a blog!
it's analysis in it's nature really... if i wasn't wanting to discuss and think about things i wouldn't be writing it.
sure we can both be depressive people sometimes.. but that's not all this is. i truly believe in the goodness of writing/talking about situations - making unusual connections - wondering about scenarios. i like doing it. it's part of experience for me.
sometimes i think that can lead to things probably going up on public spaces like this that maybe aren't mega interesting for everyone who might read them! ;) it's a sketch pad! I want this blog to not just be about me and my thoughts about my friends and my self - but it's part of the process with the way i like to think and write about things that a big portion of it is and will be. and might even be a massive over working of that.
I'd like to think (and hope) that out of that some insights and funny things and half truths, and wider concepts might come out in the mix. It's still fairly early days and it's hard to say. but that's the idea..... :)
it's interesting to be made to think about this!! :)
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