adi wants to look like a psychedelic overdose... basically. otherwise known as D.I.WHY?

that was what i was meant to call my blog about the weekend - till i felt dead wrong earlier.... :)

i'm a terrible cliche. i went record shopping and am listening to can and this all makes me feel so much more secure. i think i really love can. not the overblown annoying endless flouncy smack stuff. the stuff that has a ring of clever pop nastyness about it.

a primary school friend sent this to me today after a short chat that she instigated asking about a tv show i was on with my sister as a kid. she has a beautiful baby boy. i last saw her when we were 9 or 10 and she has a baby!! i would love to see her again. it would be hilarious....

"Thanks yeh my little boy, Mahli (pronounced Marley) will be one next week weds!!! Cant believe it...loving being a mummy and just being a kiddy all over again!! It would be so interesting to see you all one day...I remember being really upset that I couldn't quite get pretend land...I used to watch you, Myra, Dennis and Sarah and imagen what it was like...I remember coming to your house in Crystal Palace???? And you guys were all in pretend land and I just couldn't get there....went home VERY dissapointed!!!lol
What you up2? x x"

isn't that amusing? that's sorta cheered me up too. u see, i am terribly happy that things are just... what they are. u look over your life and it's just there, in front of u.

i've gone through the wars MASSIVELY tho. psychedelics-wise. adventures-wise but specifically psychedelics. who the hell gets spiked/takes hard core psychedelics by mistake at least 3 times? that's just not something that happens is it? No wonder lots of people think I must be mistaken.

i guess in a way it sorta took the last situation, that was so different from the others and SO traumatic. Not that the others weren't but not even close - on levels or on trauma. They were pretty hardcore and extremely tricky (its not nice to feel like your brain's been raped, obviously!) but not, u know, massive letters falling on your head, dna walls really seriously oh my god!.

..eh yes. where was i going with that? the first time was massively traumatic actually. that's what i've realised. not in a "i'm gonna die" way, but still, in a lack of control, not choosing something so life changing and fundamental, feeling abused kind of way. and also just... well u know - it is sorta shocking, the 1st time u really see it. U know what i mean? was for me anyway. i didn't realise that parts of that were gonna be so deeply... horrific. i'm sure that was bigger because of the circumstances - but there also just IS something quite horrific about psychedelia. it's the horror and the beauty that makes it so incredible. i guess.

so it was traumatic - to the extent that I think it actually took me having to really go into myself to find the tools to deal with how i felt from the last time (last year) for me to remember just how intrinsic to me it all was. not that i didnt get a lot out of mushrooms and k in the meantime(!) i did, an awful lot - but i always felt that was sorta in spite of something to do with me, u know? in a part of me anyway.

i'm rambling like a bitch now... bloody can! :) xx

frustrating!!

i'm feeling dead sketchy and anxious today. i somehow imagined i'd be feeling really different to this this week... i keep feeling nervous about seeing certain people at pedro and doug's next week instead of focusing on positives to do with next friday. I think if i'm honest i'm probably nervous about things to do with that really... just not wanting to admit it. this is silly...


Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to


So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?


Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to


So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?


Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg


ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME


Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together


Nature is a language - can't you read ?
Nature is a language - can't you read ?


SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME


Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together


If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together


SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la ...


haha. not sure quite why. but yes.

and that's another thing. i was in manchester at the weekend and john and I went to the smiths and morrisey disco. what a joy!! i never really thought that i'd enjoy so much smiths so much. lots of ideas came out of it too.. funnily enough. but i was drunk as a skunk and said a lot of things the wrong way. i'm just feeling like i'm being a bit of a knob at the moment... like i've been freaked out, to be honest, by a few thoughts i've had - so i keep spouting them out in the wrong way or unnecessarily and being a fool.

it seems like big shit but i think i just need to get over it. so what. it's all the same anyway. like that thought i had back in the summer when it was all first starting to occur to me.. about existence being like complex paper chains... u know - like u can push it together and it's just one mass as it were - it is just ONE thing - and everything connects up as much as it possibly could EVERYWHERE - cos it's one thing. but when it's pulled out - where the lines cross and how becomes so complicated. and they can seem so significant, and then, u know, they're really just moments in time. they'll last forever and for an instant and flicker back and forth in how much u can see them (or how much they effect you perhaps, or use them to make sense of the world) but really - it's not like they actually mean anything. other than that we're all connected. all the time. and all dead seperate too. and that's confusing.

i was watching the 2nd part of a programme on stephen hawking/physics last night. fooking hell! it blows my mind. they were sort of saying this too. haha. maybe.

just some bizarre thoughts anyway. i think i trust that things will be ok. it's just a bit scary right now. i've got the most fantastic week or so lined up but i could well come out the other side of it without a job, and maybe without/on the brink of loosing other things that really massively matter to me too. massively. u know. not gonna let that happen. that's not gonna happen. but it's scary. and then thinkin about going to that party and seeing that kid seems a whole lot harder, u know?

silly.

it's gonna be great! there's so much goodness and potential in all of it. fookin silver apples and felix kubin tomorrow!!! i just wish i was feeling a bit stronger in myself.

british gas

its a shame that my housemate sarra mentioned the temporary free-gas situation to the landlord's handyman. eugh. if we have to pay why can't we just get bills like normal people instead of being ripped off on a pre-pay meter?

in other gas related news british gas have done an advert using the waters of march. wtf?! hahaha. we've been a bit freaked out to be honest - but i think it's better to see the funny side...

censorship

i decided to censor myself and delete a post from a few days ago so i'm not nervous of the potential for a can of worms to be opened if a few certain people read this blog, cos i want to be able to tell people about it generally and not feel concerned about that.

it's a shame in a way - cos it was sorta expressive and i liked a couple of bits of it. old hat, blameful and pointless too tho! lol.

life isn't perfect. but it's good to move on. i've saved it on my email so i still have it. xx